You're so nebulous sometimes
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize