i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
