Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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