i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Randomize
