Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
