she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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