awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
