Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
