I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize