We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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