If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
