Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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