I want to walk on stilts...naked
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
