You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
where are my eyebrows?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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