Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
