I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
