Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
