There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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