I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
