I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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