Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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