mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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