Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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