he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
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Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
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I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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