I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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