you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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