Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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