I'm so fucking centered right now
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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