I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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