Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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