she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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