I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
