May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
