I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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