i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
