i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
