My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
