You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize