My liver just broke up with me...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
