When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
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There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
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For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run