Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
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You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast