God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
