Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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