I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
