I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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