Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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