I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
