He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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