NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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