Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
