I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
