Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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