We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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