I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
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it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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