I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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