get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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