I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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