My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Sorry about my life...
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
