Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
