I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
