neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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